儿童的生命教练

Children's Life Coach Program

第十堂课:接受一切的失败
When All Else Fails

好的,当每一样都失败了
Okay, when all else fails

您该做些什么呢?
What do you do? 

通常人只会对两样东西有所反应
usually know that human reacts to two main things:

快乐或痛苦
pleasure or pain

快乐就如奖励,是什么使到他们感觉良好
Pleasure is like reward, what makes them feel good

痛苦如惩罚,是什么使到他们感到不好受
pain is punishment, what feels bad

是那些他们不想要做的事
what they do not want to do

所以想想快乐和痛苦很多时候
so think about pleasure and pain and most of the time,

我总是喜欢用90%快乐,10%痛苦
I would always love to use 90% pleasure, 10% pain

那10%通常都是当我别无选择的时候
and the 10 percent is I really have no choice

快乐,我们应该怎样做
pleasure, what do we do?

当我年轻的时候,我开始教游泳的第一到第二年
when I was younger where I was teaching my first 1 to 2 years of teaching swimming

我常常会使用贿赂,尝试提供糖果,巧克力
I often try to use bribes, try to give sweets, chocolates

甚至玩具,那其实让到我花费很多
eventually toys and it tore a hole in my pocket

无论我做什么,我也无法弥补成本
whatever I make, I cannot cover back the cost also

最终我知道这不是很实在的奖励
so eventually I really eh this is not a sustainable reward

从那,我就开始想有什么我可以做的,又免费的
from there, I start to think about what is it something that I can do that is free

然后学生也会喜欢的, 然后我就开始创造很多的游戏
and student still love it then I start creating a lot of games

我开始创造:如果您能够做到这一点
I start creating if you are able to achieve this,

我们就可以玩龙骑, 我们需要做很大的跳跃
we going to play the dragon ride we going to do a big jump

很大的跳跃就是我们把它们高高举起的地方
big jump is where we throw them high up 

然后降下,我们会接住他们, 他们很享受那掉落的感觉
then they drop down, we catch them they enjoy that falling feeling

我们玩捡硬币之类的事情, 当他们还是初级者时
we play things like picking up coins when they are beginner

当他们还游得不是很好时
when they cannot swim that well yet

我们可以尝试捡硬币,在水里玩玩具
we try picking up coins, playing with toys in the water

任何他们真正享受的东西这就是一种奖励
things that they really enjoy themselves it’s a form of reward

所以我每次都会尝试用奖励的方式以及我也会看看其他行业
so I always try with reward and one of the things I like to look at other industry

其他行业在做什么,做得很好
what is other industry that is doing, working so well

我想复制, 我看的其中一个是赌场
that I want to replicate. One of the things I look at is casino

是什么让到赌场如此上瘾
what makes a casino so addictive?

赢,只要不输, 所以当我们玩一个游戏时
winning and as well as losing so when we play a game

我们创造积分的系统,我们创造一个挑战
we create points system, we create a challenge 

我不会总是让我的学生赢
I don’t just let my students win all the time

那会是到他们觉得“啊,这一点都不挑战”
that will make them feel ah there’s no challenge in this

我也不会总是让他们输, 这太令人沮丧了
I also don’t make them lose all the time that would be too demotivating

打个比方说10分的游戏, 我就会让他们赢3场,然后我追上到4
Let’s say like a 10 game point then I will let them win 3, then I chase up to 4

然后他们再增加2分,然后我差不多要赢了
then they add another 2, then almost win

最终他们赢了, 那差不多,那感受会产生强烈的冲动
and eventually, they won that almost, that feeling creates a very strong rush

非常激动,让我们看看赌场头奖
very strong excitement and let’s look at the casino jackpot

那机器会有声音,所以每当他们赢了
they have sound, so every time they win

我们都会听到那音效:“丁!丁!丁!。。”
we heard sound effects like ‘ding! ding! ding! ding!’ ‘pang!…….’ 

我们就创造出可以产生音效的声音
we create a lot of voice or sound that creating the effects

会让他们享乐的声音
that make them enjoy themselves

所以用声音,用积分系统,赢或输
so use sound, use point system, win or lose

如果有人竞争,您可以为此创造一个积分游戏
if got somebody competes, you can create a point for that

如果是一个人的话,分数就已经足够了
if you are just alone, point is sufficient already

我让他们竞争但自己不参与的方式之一是
one of the ways when I get them to compete and I am not joining the game

我会告诉他们:“如果做对了,你将得到一分
I will just say: “if you get it right, you will get one point

如果你弄错了,我就得一分”
if you get it wrong, I’ll get one point”

那是一个你可以做的简单游戏
that’s a simple game that you can do

价值是非常重要的, 价值就是他们真正想要的
and it’s very important to have leverage, leverage is something that they really want

所以我会一直探索不同的游戏
so I would always explore different, different game 

他们真的很喜欢的不同游戏, 一旦我看到他们真的喜欢
that they really really like once I see they really love it

尤其是我最喜欢的平衡游戏, 我让他们站在我的脚上
especially one of my favourite is the balancing game I get them to stand on my feet

当他们站在我的脚上时,我会平衡他们
so when they stand on my feet then I balance them

当我尝试平衡而他们无法平衡时
when I try to balance and they can’t balance

我会尝试帮他们,那感觉是非常好玩的
but I try to help them, the feeling is very enjoyable

我就制造(游戏)一旦他们喜欢,
so I create (games) once they enjoy it,

我不会直接就给他们, 我可能会让他们尝试多一次
I don’t give it to them immediately maybe I let them try one more time

他们很喜欢,他们说“多一次,多一次”的时候
and they enjoy it, they said “one more, one more.”

我就会在那停止, 那就会创造该游戏的需求
I will stop there that creates the need for that game

那我就能让他们做我想要他们做的
that I can get them to do whatever I want to

比较高难度的,要承担更多风险的
that is a bit more difficult, that is taking more risk

比较劳累的,那我就能用那游戏为奖励
is a bit more tiring, then I use that as a reward

所以我会经常创造出新的游戏, 以便能创造那价值
so I am constantly always creating new game to create my leverage

他们几乎没有理由再听我说话了
they almost have no reason to listen to me anymore

因为他们想要的是乐趣, 他们想要的是娱乐
because what they need is fun, what they need is enjoyable

这就与叫成年人不一样
so is different from teaching adults

教成年人,他为此付出代价
teaching adults, they pay for it

他们都知道那学费是非常昂贵的
they know the payment is very painful

“我为了那笔钱而努力工作” 所以他们想着的是钱
“i work very hard for that money” so they think about the money

记得,孩子是不懂钱的概念的
remember kids don’t know the concept of money, 

不懂时间的概念
don’t know the concept of time

所以,有时他们会说不要浪费我的时间
so sometimes they said don’t waste my time

他们不明白那是何意
they don’t understand what is that about

不要浪费我的钱,他们不会明白那是什么意思
don’t waste my money, they don’t understand what’s that about

所以,使用很多的价值,很多的娱乐
so use a lot of leverage, a lot of fun

但,如果您以尝试各种娱乐,游戏和称赞
but if you tried all kinds of fun and games and compliments

仍然不起作用的话,那痛呢? 惩罚呢?
and it still doesn’t work, what about pain, what about the punishment

通常,我尝试不用它
usually, I try not to use it

可是,有时您需要注意当您使用惩罚时
but sometimes there are times that you need to be aware when you are using punishment

或是您提高自己的声音时
or let’s say when you raise your voice

您都要注意,您是否在阻止您的孩子做莫件事
you have to be aware that are you trying to stop the child from doing something?

还是您在维护自己的声誉
or are you trying to protect your own reputation

其中一个教练最常犯的错误是当他们的孩子不停地在哭泣
one of the most common mistakes that coaches is whenever their child is constantly crying

以及大喊时教练都会说:“别哭,别这样了”
and they shouting a lot and the coach will say: “Don’t cry, stop doing this!”

恐吓他们, 他们为何这么做呢?
Threaten, why do they do that?

如果您试想想一下, 其实他们不是要让那孩子舒缓一点
if you kind of think about it actually they are not just wanting the kid to be better

实际上,他们只是想减少自己的尴尬
actually, they are trying to reduce their embarrassment

因为对他们而言,身为一位老师
because they would feel that as a teacher

如果我无法控制哭泣的孩子每个人将会看着我
if I cannot control my kid that is crying everybody will be looking at me

那就会使到我很丢脸
it will be very shameful for me

那就好象我不知道自己在说什么似的
it looks like I don’t know what I am talking about

也好像我不知道自己在做什么
and feels like I don’t know what I am doing

所以有时候,为了保护自己的自我
so sometimes, in order to protect our ego

我们就骂他们,注意
we scold them, be aware of that

所以有时候如果孩子需要哭
so sometimes if the child needs to cry 

哭是正常的, 我们应该认知他们的感觉
then it’s normal, it’s okay to cry we acknowledge their feelings 

您哭是不是因为您害怕“
“are you crying because you are afraid?”

如果不是害怕,那我们再寻找是什么原因
we try to find if it’s not afraid

”您哭是不是因为您想妈妈了“
“are you crying because you need your mom?”

我们试图找出他们同意的东西
we try to get something that they are agreeable

一旦他们点头,是的
once they nod their head, yes

那您就能从那开始谈判所以,尽量不要进入惩罚模式
then you can negotiate from there so try not to go into punishment mode, 

骂,威胁等等
scolding, threatening all the time

但如果我觉得所有方法都不奏效,我仍然会使用(惩罚)
but I still do at the end if I feel all else doesn’t work

我不使用暴力,我不殴打可是我有时会恐吓
then I would, I don’t use violence, I don’t beat but sometimes i threaten

如果到最后我们没办法做到这个,那我们就不能回家
I will do things like end of the day if we don’t do this, we can’t go home

我们会再呆多一下
we going to stay here for a while

您必须遵守您的恐吓,那很重要
that’s very important for you to follow through with that threat

因为,如果您创造了您自己都无法遵守的恐吓
because if you create that threat that you cannot follow through

那,到最后那孩子会觉得
end of the day, the child will feel

他不会做些什么但,您能减少那恐吓
he is not going to do anything but you can scale down the threat

从 “您不能回家” 到
so, from saying “you are not going to go home” into 

“好的,我只需做多10分钟,只需做多5分钟”
“okay, we are just going to do another 10 more minutes, we gonna do another 5 more minutes”

您可以随时进行谈判,那就会更好
you can always negotiate, it’s healthier to negotiate

但,您一定要遵守
but you must always follow through, 

如果您说会让他们留堂5分钟
if you say you going to hold them for 5 minutes, 

您就一定要留他们5分钟
you going to hold them for 5 minutes

一旦他们明白了那恐吓是真的那他们就会遵守
then once they understand that the threat is real then they will follow through

但理想情况下,一旦受到威胁,它起作用的话
but ideally once threaten, it works

那就转回到赞赏
go back into compliment, 

回到他们喜欢和享受的东西
go back into things that they like, they enjoy

进行赞赏多过惩罚
go into that more than punishment

您可以从惩罚开始,然后快速转回赞赏
you can start with punishment, quickly go into the reward again

所以尝试吧
so try that

好的,那在这个章节,我们可以做些什么呢
alright, so what can we do in this chapter

让我们看10件事, 我要您找出10样可以
let’s look at 10 things, I want you to go and find 10 things 

成为您的价值的东西10样您很喜欢的东西
that you can use as leverage, 10 things that they really enjoy

最好是不需要您买的东西, 不需要花很多钱买的东西
ideally
not something that you can buy not something that needs to spend a lot of money

不是迪斯尼乐园的票,不是很昂贵的一餐
not like Disneyland ticket, not like a very expensive meal

不是玩具,尝试寻找一些您能一起参与的活动
not a toy, try to look for something especially an activity that you can do together

有时,您能做实验尝试不一样的东西,一旦他们很享受
sometimes you have to experiment trying different things and once they enjoy it

然后说到:“我可以再玩一次吗?” 这就是您的价值
and say can I do it again, that is your leverage

守住,然后说:“好的,只要您达到了这目标我们就能在玩”
hold it, said “okay, as long as you achieve this goals, we going to do this again”

您想要尽可能地得到很多的价值以及不断地寻找它(价值)
you want to hold as much leverage as possible and keep finding it

那不只能让他们享乐
it’s not only good for them in enjoying themselves

同时,您也创造了很多有意义的亲子互动时间
but at the same time, you create a lot of meaningful bonding times

您不断思考解决方案的时候
the times that you are constantly thinking about solution

那同时,您也在帮助他们尽情的玩乐
at the same time, you are also helping them enjoy themselves

同时,您也得到您想让他们做的价值
at the same time, you get your leverage on getting them to do what you want

所以,列出10样您觉得他们会喜欢的东西
so try to list down 10 things that you think that they will really enjoy

或在进行活动中创造一个 然后把它列下来
or you create one along the way and list them down

希望您能早点找到您的价值
hope you find your leverage soon

重点回顾

通常人会对两样东西有所反应
Usually human reacts to two main things:

1. 快乐
Pleasure 

2. 痛苦
Pain

快乐如奖励
Pleasure is like reward

使到他们感觉良好。
makes them feel good.

痛苦如惩罚
Pain is like punishment

那些他们不想要做的事,使到他们感到不好受。
what they do not want to do, makes them feel bad.

90%快乐
90% pleasure

10%痛苦。
10% pain.

是什么使游戏上瘾?
What makes the game addictive?

1. 积分系统
    Point System


2. 有赢有输
    Win and lose


3. 有音效
    Sound effect


4. 有竞争
    Competitive

可以谈判或恐吓
Can negotiate or threaten

尽量不要进入惩罚模式。
try never go into punishment mode.

赞赏多过惩罚
Compliment more than punishment

可以从惩罚开始,然后快速转回赞赏。
You can start with punishment, quickly go into the compliment again.

下一堂课:

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儿童的生命教练 叶友泉 网络课程

Children’s Life Coach Program

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